Letters From An Occupant
by Tsuki No Shuurai
Summary: Letters Hinamori writes to her former Captain after the lost battle of the Winter War. Warning: Hinamori angst ahead, as well as spoilers for the FKT arc.


**Letters From an Occupant**

_Dear Taicho,_

_I don't believe them._

_You're good, you're true. I know this because you're my world._

_I need you back, Aizen-taicho. Please._

_Yours,_

_Hinamori Momo_

_Dear Taicho,_

_Perhaps I should explain._

_Unohana-taicho says I'm "making progress" but that I need to let go. To that end, she wishes me to tell you, via letters that will never be sent, what exactly I didn't get to say when you left._

_(I've considered ways to actually get these sent, but it's not going to happen. Thirteenth watches the Senkaimon too closely, and I haven't been out since that day.)_

_I just have to ask: Why?_

_I was a good adjutant, or tried to be. So why, Aizen-taicho? What did I do? What could I do to fix it? Do I even want to? I don't know anything anymore; I feel nothing but this numbing, empty ache._

_Taicho…._

_Dear Taicho,_

_I'm back now. Nanao-chan came to visit and had Isane-fukutaicho come in and up the dosage on my medication. She was there when I woke up, reading by my bedside, and for just one minute, I thought she was you._

_She's here now, watching. Don't worry, Nanao-chan. I'm trying not to fall apart again._

_Something's occurred to me. In all that battle, even when I called your name, you never once looked at me. What was I to you? What did you see? I wish I could see through your eyes, just once, however cruel the outcome. Just once, I'd like to see what you've really got behind that kind face._

_Izuru-fukutaicho is awake and wants to know what I'm doing. He nearly killed himself trying to heal everyone before Unohana-taicho showed up. I don't even know where she is; I hear she's been at Ukitake-taicho's bedside since he came in. That's why Nanao-chan is here—her taicho is injured as well, and anyhow he wouldn't have left Ukitake-taicho. They're like that—he's like that, crossed fingers with everyone. Even if Nanao-chan doesn't care to see, he loves her, too. Supports her, tries to make her better. Like a taicho should treat his fukutaicho—a bond of love and trust, not just of duty._

_So how did Izuru and I end up so far astray? What happened with you and Ichimaru-taicho?_

_Go back to sleep, Izuru. You need to recover your strength._

_He smiles, just a little. I haven't seen him smile for an eternity. I think that might have something to do with Isane-fukutaicho and how attentive she's being. Despite the fact that Fourth is busier than they've ever been, she's still—_

_Another interruption. Unohana-taicho showed up talking fast, and Isane-fukutaicho followed her, looking worried. Nanao-chan must have heard whatever they were saying, because her face is white and bloodless. I hazard a guess at what's going on._

_It's alright, Nanao-chan. Unohana-taicho's the best of healers. She'll see him through as she's always done, and by the end of this night, he'll have recovered, and you needn't see the look on Kyoraku-taicho's face when he goes back to the division tomorrow._

_She tells me I should take care of myself. Worry about myself._

_All this time, I've been wondering what you must think of me._

_Now I have to figure out what I think of you._

_Dear Taicho,_

_I had to stop. Nanao-chan was crying and trying to hide it. So I held her close to me and wept into her hair as she laid her head on my shoulder, and the two of us stayed like that a long time. I hadn't realized how much the stress is getting to her. It must have driven her crazy, in here, able to see and hear and sense what was going on and not being able to help._

_She says she doesn't want there to be any more death. I stroke her hair and wish silently for peace. For her and for me and for Izuru. _

_I don't think I want it for you, taicho._

_I'm sorry._

_I think I might hate you right now more than I have ever loved you._

_Yours,_

_Hinamori Momo_

_Dear Aizen,_

_You have not won._

_Defeated, we may be. Broken, I am. But we shall still go on._

_Recover. Heal. Live._

_Nanao-chan wont have to hide her tears anymore._

_Izuru wont have to fear._

_Isane-fukutaicho wont have to work so hard._

_Rangiku can love again._

_As long as we have breath in our lungs and strength in our limbs—_

_We shall go on._

_Hinamori Momo, Acting-Captain of 5__th__ Division._


End file.
